Just Trying

There is nothing worse than having to put a smile on your face and act like everything is ok when you are really falling apart inside. Lately it seems like my whole world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just wish that I could have one day of no pain, no tears, no hurt, no heartache, but I know that is not going to happen. It is very tiresome when you have to put a smile on your face and act like everything is ok to the world when nothing seems right to you. Living with a chronic invisible disease is a never ending job. People ask "Are you ok? ", but trust me most of the time they do not really want to hear the truth. If you have never lived with an invisible disease then there is no way to explain to you the difficulty of just getting through each day, both mentally and physically.  It is a never ending cycle of pain, fear, depression, and so many other feelings.

Father's Day

Well another year, another father's day without my dad. It has been 15 years now since I got to look at my dad and tell him happy father's day.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my dad and miss him.  I was always a daddy's girl when I was growing up.  I remember going fishing with my dad when I was still in my playpen.  He would set my playpen up along side the water, give me my little fishing pole and we would spend the day just the two of us.  After I got older I still went everywhere with my dad.  Saturday mornings were cartoon days for most kids, but not for me.  On Saturday's we would get up early and he would get me dressed and fix my hair and then it was time for our day together.  Our first stop was always the little donut shop in town where we would would both get a donut and he would have coffee while I had  chocolate milk.  Next it was time for our weekly stop at the restaurant where daddy and his friends always met  I would set and listen to them talk while they had their coffee and caught up with that was going on with one another.  After that the rest of the day was always just for us.  It never mattered to me what we did, as long as I was spending time with my daddy I was happy.  When I was 12 my dad started getting really sick and our daddy and daughter days out were over.  I missed them very much but I still loved my dad.  When I was 15 my daddy died.  That was the worst time of my life.  I did not understand how I was supposed to go on without him there by my side.  It took me many years to realize that even though he is no longer physically here with me, my daddy will all ways be right by my side because he is in my heart every day.
I love you Daddy and I miss you!!!!!

An Evil Monster

There is an evil monster that lurks just around the corner everyday for many of us.  Some days we are able to escape from this monster, but other days this monster sneaks up on us and takes us over.  Who is this monster? This monster is depression.  There are millions of us who deal with this and no matter what anyone says it never truly goes away.  I have been battling depression for over 15 years now and even though I do manage to have good days at times I know that this is a battle that I will fight for the rest of my life.  Everyone of us who deals with this monster has to find our own way to handle it, just because something works for one person doesn't mean it will work for everyone.  I have learned a few tricks along my journey that have helped me many times through my darkest days.  One of my biggest ways of coping is an amazing group of friends.  It does not matter if the friends that you choose to have support you are people that you see everyday in real life of if they are special Internet friends, as long as they are your friends and you can all support one another that is all that matters.  My particular group of friends who provide me with the support to keep going are a group of amazing Internet friends.  We have never met in person but we are all very close and talk to one another daily and always make time to support each other.  Another one of my coping methods of choice is music.  I love the feeling of putting on my headphones and turning up the music and just letting the world disappear from around me.  When I am having an especially difficult time I tend to listen to older music that I grew up listening to as a child.  I am the first to admit that I had a difficult childhood, but there is just something about listening to that music that has a way of calming me.  My other favorite way of coping is to loose myself in a book.  If there was one device that I could not live without I would have to say that it would be my phone because it has my Kindle app on it.  My Kindle app is full of my favorite "escape" books.  I love to read most any kind of book but when I really need to escape from the evil monster I pull up one of my romance books where the hero is a tall, sexy cowboy and let myself get lost in another world.  Now I am not saying that I have always had good ways of coping with the evil monster, depression.  I have tried many ways to escape from it and a lot of those ways were very harmful to me.  I thought at one time that I had found a perfect escape from it, until I finally realized how bad I was hurting myself with my way of escaping.  At that time my chosen method of escape was cutting. I did not start out with intentions of hurting myself, it actually happened by accident.  I accidentally cut myself one day and I forgot about all of the other things that I was feeling and it just escalated from there.  This went on for quite a few years with me before I stopped and I still have times where I get the urge to cut and I have to stop myself.  I am NOT saying that anyone should ever use this as a way of coping, because it is not a way to help yourself.  Trust me, you will end up hurting yourself worse in the end.  I am telling you about my experience with cutting to ask you to PLEASE if you cut now or you ever have the urge to cut your self, PLEASE go to someone that you trust and tell them what is happening.  No matter what the evil monster makes you believe, there are ALWAYS people who love you and care about you.  Lets join together in our fight against this evil monster, cause none of us have to be alone in our fight!!!   NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is Love?

Love has the power to fill life with joy and meaning.

Love is patient, kind, and unconditional.

Love creates memories you will cherish forever.

Love cannot be bought or sold.

Love has no price.

Love shows the feelings of your heart for all to see in your eyes.

Love cannot be hidden.

Love will make you blind.

Love is an eternal source of joy.

Love is like sunshine; it feels nice and warm, but be careful so you don't end up with a painful burn.

Love is letting go of childhood expectations and accepting someone as they truly are.

Love can make you happy, sad, scared, and confused.

Love is the most powerful emotion of all.

Can't Sleep

Laying in my bed and it's 2am and as usual my brain won't shut off.  Why is it that at night I always get the most random thoughts?  Of course by morning I can never remember half of these thoughts, and they really don't make any sense to me at 2am anyways.  Why is it that late night TV is so awful?  Do TV producers not realize that some of us have insomnia and would really like to watch something other than stupid infomercials?  I mean come on, who really wants to watch a show advertising a medicine for erectile dysfunction and crap like that?????  Thankfully there is usually a re-run of House on.  I really wish I could have him for my doctor.  I know he is a asshole on the show but, damn at least he can find out what is wrong with his patients, unlike most real doctors.  OK I guess this is enough of me rambling on for tonight, hopefully next time I can blog about something that actually makes sense, of course if you have nights like me and suffer from insomnia you probably understand the random thoughts that will run through your head.  :)  Until next time!!!